Hidden Thoughts
by Lifeislikethis
Summary: 'Flirting had always just been their thing. Like moths to a flame they had always been drawn to each other in that way.' An alternate take on how a certain conversation about strawberries and whipped cream from 8x05 could have played out.


A/N – Just my alternate take on the conversation in 8x05 about strawberries and whipped cream.

* * *

"Another?" he asked, nodding towards her now empty glass.

"Why not" she answered with a smile.

Passing her the refilled glass of scotch, he settled back against the couch next to her. The initial drink between them had quickly become two and now they had reached a third both knew they wouldn't be leaving any time soon.

Tonight, it all felt so simple and easy between them, natural, a flashback to less complicated nights of the past when they would stay late and drink and talk while listening to his father's music. For once the air around them did not feel heavy with the things they did not talk about, and while of course there were topics they both steered clear of, the conversation flowed easily. The feeling of awkwardness between them had finally dispersed. Normal, at least their strange version of it, had returned.

She knows it's not entirely what she wants, _normal_, but it's an improvement on recent history. Deep down she longs for that elusive, seemingly unobtainable, _more_. With him. However, for the time being she was simply enjoying having her best friend returned to her. The past few years had weighed heavily on their relationship, pushing it to breaking point time and again and while she always had faith that it would not crumble, the foundation had surely been weakened. Chipped away at over time by unresolved declarations of love, panic attacks, therapist girlfriends and a single impulsive kiss. Worn down by months, if not years, of constantly being under attack, either the firm or one of the people in it, the stress and pressure of fighting to protect each other taking its toll.

Her new position had also changed things. She loved being COO and would never regret the decision to peruse that career path. She had worked her whole life for it, and knew she was excellent at it. But it had still, in a way, felt like leaving Harvey again, and it had changed the working dynamic between them. And God knows Harvey didn't do well with change.

Donna had realised that if there was ever going to be a chance for them to attempt that something more, their foundation had to be mended. And so, she had been patient. She had waited, allowing time to help fix some of what had been broken, allowing Harvey to adjust to the changes between them.

And they had found their way back to each other, as she always knew she would. Back to relaxed evenings with their guards dropped. Back to the banter and good-natured teasing. And once more, back to the flirting, dancing along those blurry lines they were forever drawn to.

It had been that, more than anything, that was the sign to Donna that they were truly back on the path to normal. Flirting had always just been their thing. Like moths to a flame they had always been drawn to each other in that way. It was a fun, enjoyable, in theory harmless element that had always formed part of their relationship. At least it had been, before all that had passed. Donna had been afraid they would never get back there, to the flirtatious remarks and thinly veiled comments that pushed close to the line, the lingering glances and shared smiles. Had been afraid that that part of their relationship had been irrevocably lost. But in time it had returned, perhaps a little timid to start with, but there and now from the outside looking in things appeared as they always had been.

However, Donna sensed there was an undercurrent of something else at play recently. They might have claimed that everything was back to normal, but there was something new beginning to spark between them in a way that it never had before. She wasn't sure exactly what it was, didn't have a name for it. But she couldn't help but allow herself to hope that just maybe it was the flickering beginnings of _more_.

Tonight, in particular, she swore she could feel that mystery thing between them. Harvey seemed lighter, more relaxed than he had been for weeks, younger even. And seemingly more intent then ever at pushing against their lines. She had caught his gaze drifting down her body on several occasions, eyes appearing distracted by the admittedly low cut of her dress. Discrete had never really been Harvey's style and he just smirked at her whenever she caught his ogling, making no attempt to pretend he wasn't. She could feel her skin tingle with every wandering glance.

They had spent much of the night recounting stories of their time at the DA's office, something she always enjoyed, having an endless supply of humorous stories about baby lawyer Harvey to taunt him with. She occasionally found herself longing for those days. They may have been working for the antichrist in Cameron Dennis, but things had been simpler between her and Harvey, their relationship somewhat easier to define before The Other Time complicated everything. Not that she had any regrets, but she hadn't been lying when she said you can never go back.

Having now changed topics, Harvey currently had her in a fit of laughter as he recounted his recent conversation with Louis, who had come looking for advice on having to _make a deposit_ to aid in he and Sheila's quest for a baby.

"You didn't seriously tell him that did you?" she cried, feeling her eyes water from all her laughter.

"I sure did, and what's more he believed me."

"Well in that case what I want to know is, is it true about the tomatoes?"

"I think we both know it's not"

She grinned at him, having fully expected the quick denial. But then he suddenly lent forward, tilting his head towards her before continuing. "Just like we both know it's really strawberries and whipped cream" his words filled with meaning.

Was he really implying that he used the memory of that night for his own pleasure? The idea that he still thought about it, pictured them and the things they did together, ignited something inside and she felt heat pool deep within her. I mean God, it's not like she wasn't guilty of doing the same thing from time to time, but openly admitting to it was way past the line of flirtation they usually stopped at.

She knew she should say something, but he had temporarily rendered her speechless, a rarity indeed.

"What? Too soon?" he questioned; a cheeky grin hidden beneath the words.

"No, but this is an office, and someone could overhear and misunderstand that that was 13 years ago" she replied finding her voice at last.

"Well I'm not sure if you've noticed but there isn't exactly anyone around." He spread his arms, indicating the deserted offices surrounding them. "And besides, it feels more like 12 and half to me" his voice dropping low and deep.

He was right of course, and the knowledge that Harvey had so closely kept track of the time that had passed made her feel things she couldn't begin to name. He was full of surprises tonight. He smirked at her then, breaking the building tension and she could only roll her eyes at him.

"You're an idiot"

"What? Are you telling me you never think about it?"

He raised his eyebrows at her, daring her to attempt the lie, and she had been about to lie, to fob off his comment as a joke, when she caught sight of the briefest flash of apprehension cross his face. He may have said it jokingly, but she could tell a part of him truly wanted to know, and although he would never admit it, a lie would hurt him.

"It might cross my mind from time to time" she admitted, and she felt the air become palpable around them, like her ears were ringing.

Although she couldn't help but add "I mean, I was pretty amazing that night."

"I remember. More than you might think".

His tone was serious. There was a truth emanating from his words, a sense that he was trying to let her know how important that night had been to him.

She felt her breath catch in her throat at his words. He had been pushing the line all night so she shouldn't really have been surprised that he was going there, bringing up that night. But it was a topic they never ventured too closely to, and not purely because she'd made it part of her condition to come work with him. Both knew that any mention of that night, beyond the very vaguest of references, could risk opening Pandora's box, risk questions about what it had actually meant, what they had really felt, the choices they had made in its aftermath.

She was so used to Harvey avoiding any sort of risk when it came to them, always running in the opposite direction whenever there was a chance he might be forced to have a real conversation. And yet here he was openly referencing that night, the idea that he had done so deliberately filling her with hope and trepidation that he might actually be trying to move forward for once.

He continued to stare at her intently and Donna felt her skin flush under his penetrating gaze. She almost felt lightheaded, like she couldn't quite catch her breath properly, the spacious office suddenly feeling small, as though the whole universe had narrowed down to them, sitting on this couch, with him looking at her that way.

It was almost too much, the conversation, the implication of his revelations, the closeness of him, the way his darkened eyes were gazing at her. Her heart started to thump in her chest as she waited for him to look away, to pull away from the moment, to back down like he always did. Run from whatever feelings he was experiencing.

She knew she wasn't going to be the one to stop this, couldn't have forced herself to move away even if she wanted to. She didn't want to laugh and attempt another joke, pretend yet again that this sort of reaction between them didn't _mean_ anything. But she also couldn't be the one to cross over the line again. She'd done it once before and the repercussions of that decision still haunted her. If this was going to go somewhere, she needed Harvey to be the one to initiate it.

And so, she waited, placing the choice in his hands, allowing him to decide where, if anywhere, this moment went. Their eyes were still locked and while he had been the one who instigated this conversation, this moment, she saw the internal debate he was waging play across his features. Want, fear, need, indecision. She read it all on his face, while dark desire continued to emanate from his eyes.

He stared at her for what felt like minutes, hours, but, in reality, was only seconds. And just when she thought that he was actually going to do something, seize hold of the moment, something akin to panic clouded his face and he dropped his eyes, pulled away. He leant back against the couch and focused on downing the remaining scotch in his glass, the moment evaporating.

Typical.

So, fucking typical.

New York City's best closer, yeah right.

She tried to remind herself of her thoughts from earlier in the evening, that she was happy simply having her friend back, that she was embracing normal for the moment. But God Damnit was this going to be her life forever. An endless cycle of almost and nearly, forever stuck being in love with a man who was incapable of ever taking a step towards her, never willing to fight for what was inside.

She sighed, suddenly feeling tired, and not just physically. She mirrored his actions, gulping down her own drink, before setting the glass on the table and standing up.

"I should go" she murmured.

He nodded, not really seeming to hear her. She wondered if she should say something, call him out on yet another loaded moment, but she didn't. And she began to wonder in that instance if perhaps she was just as incapable to push forward as he was, just as scared to take that risk. The thought irked at her as she headed out of his office. She wasn't sure she would like the answer if she truly explored that idea. A final glance behind her showed he was still slumped on the couch, face looking a little lost.

She hurried to her office, mentally berating herself for once again allowing herself to hope, even briefly, that he was finally ready for more.

* * *

God he was so fucking weak. He vaguely noticed her leave, too filled with self-loathing for failing her yet again to attempt to stop her. It had been right there, a perfect opportunity. He had wanted to seize it so badly, had read in her face just how much she wanted him to as well. It would have been so simple, just close the gap between them, take her face in his hands and kiss her. Right now, he could have been once more experiencing the feel of her lips under his, the taste of her on his tongue. But instead all he felt was her loss. He had been seconds from acting, had made his decision, until suddenly he felt the fingers of panic lick at his throat and he lost his nerve yet again.

He always said caring made you weak and here was a prime example of it. He cared about her so much, she was, without a doubt, the most important person in his life. And that made him weak. Not in the way he'd always meant, but weak in the way that made him incapable of taking a risk with her, frightened that trying to claim her as his would only end one way, with him losing her.

But then he caught sight of her final backwards glance as she walked away, saw the expression on her face. And he suddenly felt a whole new wave of fear wash over him about the direction of her thoughts, afraid that she might be making decisions there would be no coming back from.

Without thinking he rushed to his feet, his only thought being that he couldn't let her leave this office, not like this, not with that expression on her face. Terrified that if she left tonight, she might slip from his grasp forever.

* * *

She quickly gathered her belongings, focused solely on getting out of this building and away from the infuriating man wallowing down the hall. But as she swirled on her heel, headed for the door, she found herself smacking straight into that very same infuriating man.

"Donna" he gasped as she stumbled heavily against him, his hands automatically taking hold of her hips as she found herself grabbing onto his shoulders in an attempt to steady her footing. Their bodies were now suddenly pressed against one another, faces so close their breath mingled. Looking into his eyes she once again saw desire overtake him, eyes turned dark with what could only be described as a hunger. She felt the air charge around them, as if the proximity of their bodies caused an actual physical change in the atmosphere. Donna really wouldn't have been surprised if it had. Whatever this thing was between them had always felt like a force of nature, some invisible element that had always been beyond her control.

She couldn't help but think how much this moment resembled some cheesy, cliché movie scene come to life, but that didn't stop her heart from beginning to pound in her chest as her skin prickled with a mixture of heat and anxiety. But they had been here before, just moments ago, and she wasn't capable of experiencing yet another ignored opportunity tonight. She forced herself to take a step back, placing distance between them so her brain could begin to function again.

"Harvey, what are you doing?" she asked, hearing the weariness she felt leak from her voice.

"There was a moment, before, in my office." She could hear his nervousness drip from his words.

"And again, just now" he added.

"There was" her voice not much stronger than a whisper.

"I let it slip"

She could only nod, her feet rooted to the ground, refusing to believe that this time would be any different.

But he stepped forward, closing the gap between them once more and she felt the heat of him brush against her already over sensitised body. He reached up with his hands, gently cupping her face in his palms. She was entirely sure she stopped breathing, as though her brain lacked the capacity to deal with anything other than what was happening in front of her.

"I won't do that again" he spoke, a forceful certainty ringing through his words. "Ever" he added even more strongly.

He tilted his head, ghosting his lips over hers, cautiously, reading her face with the movement. She had no idea what he saw, mind clouded by the proximity of his lips and the building realisation that finally he was stepping across the line to her, to them. However, whatever he read in her expression obviously provided all the encouragement he needed, and he captured her mouth with his own. It was hot and intense and carnal, and she groaned at the sensation. Taking advantage of the parting of her lips he slipped his tongue into her mouth, a little tentative at first, before hunger overtook him. He glided a hand from her cheek into her hair, tugging back gently to tilt her head and gain deeper access to her mouth. His other hand moved to rest at the base of her spine, pulling her even closer against him. She could feel his need then, pressed tight against her hip and the feeling made her whimper.

In the far recesses of her mind dawned the realisation of where they stood, a replication of that night from months ago when her overwhelming fear of losing him had pushed her to act. This moment felt so similar and yet so completely and utterly different. Because she was free to commit to this kiss, to allow herself to become lost in it, they both were. Unlike last time, she didn't need to stop this to protect them both.

And lose herself she did, overcome by the feel of his body pressed hotly against hers, his tongue in her mouth, hid hands on her, becoming enraptured by him. Eventually desperation for air forced them to part, both panting heavily. Harvey didn't halt in his movements however, working his way along her jaw and down to her neck, licking and sucking at the spot where her shoulder met, making her cry out. She raked her hand up into his hair, pulling at the strands, far less gently than he had hers, demanding his mouth return to hers.

As his mouth once more claimed her, she moved her hands to the top of his shirt, desperately working at the buttons, his tie and jacket having been discarded much earlier in the night. She felt the hand on her back begin to travel downwards, grazing over her ass to the bare skin of her thigh, hand slipping beneath her dress, stroking at her already overheated flesh. His fingers started stepping their way up her inner thigh and as they grazed ever so slightly against the lace of her panties she felt herself almost come apart at the seams.

The very small rational part of her brain that remained screamed at her that they couldn't do this here, that she couldn't let him fuck her against the desk in her glass walled office. But she was also pretty sure they were already beyond the point of no return, that no matter what was happening between them meant, it was only ending one way.

His mouth worked its way over the skin exposed by the low cut of her dress, the hand on her thigh moving higher again. He slipped a finger inside her dampened underwear, running over her folds and brushing against her clit and it was at that point that what little resolve she had left shattered. This reunion of their bodies had been too long coming, the desperate need for him taking over all reasonable thought.

Any hesitation on both parts went out the window then. Harvey hoisted her onto the edge of her desk, yanking up her dress and slipping off her panties as she hurriedly worked to unbuckle his pants, pulling them down along with his boxers. She wrapped her hands around his impressive length, giving it a few quick strokes, marvelling at its silky feel. But neither were able to wait any longer and she parted her legs as he guided himself to her swollen entrance, resting the tip momentarily against the hot dampness pooling there. She whined for him, urging him on, as he took hold of her hips and sheathed himself inside her in one swift movement. They both cried out at the sensation, revelling in the feel of finally being connected once more after so long apart.

The heat and desire took over after that, their movements almost clumsy as they urgently moved against each other, chasing their release. Donna reached a hand between them, stroking at her clit and Harvey buried his head in her neck, his mouth moving over her skin in a way she knew meant that tomorrow she was going to look like a teenager after a make out session. She didn't care, finding the concept of him marking her skin erotic. She felt herself building quickly, and when Harvey adjusted the angle of his thrusts, hitting her just so, she let herself go. He continued to thrust deep inside her, prolonging the waves of pleasure coursing through her body, before he too succumbed, spilling himself inside her, her name tumbling from his lips.

He held her to him as they crashed back to earth, resting his head against hers as their thundering hearts began to slow. Then he cupped her face, looking at her as though he was holding his entire world in his hands. He pressed the gentlest of kisses to her mouth, soft, sweet and pure, oddly innocent and in stark contrast with the wanton need that had just caused them to have sex on her office desk.

This wasn't a kiss filled with need, lust or desire. Instead it spoke of love and hope and made a promise for the future. It was a kiss unlike any she had ever experienced in her whole life.

He slipped himself from her then, and she winced at the loss of contact. Pulling up his own pants, he retrieved her underwear from the floor, before reaching for a tissue from her desk and using it to wipe between her legs, an act so extraordinarily intimate she once again lost the capacity to form any cognitive thought. He helped her put herself back together, slipping her panties back into place, smoothing her dress down around her thighs and she couldn't help but wonder if, in spite of the innumerable amount of women he had undoubtedly undressed, he had ever once done the reverse.

He tucked some loose strands of hair behind her ear and quietly asked, "Will you come home with me tonight?" hesitation in his voice as though he was actually unsure of her answer.

She briefly contemplated teasing him in response, but his uncertainty was so utterly endearing, so at odds with the suave confidence he portrayed to the world, that the smart remark died out before even reaching her lips. Instead she simply smiled at him.

"I'd love nothing more."

His responding grin made her heart sing. As they left her office, he slipped his palm into hers and she felt something akin to a sealing of fate, as they moved forward into a new reality exactly as they should be. Together.

* * *

They took their time, the second time. Their movements slow and unhurried, removing their clothing piece by piece, exploring the parts of each other's bodies that had been hidden for too long. Touching, tasting, remembering. And when they were finally bare and joined once more Donna felt as though she could almost cry from how exactly right it felt. How so perfectly made for each other they were.

The soft light of dawn had already begun to filter through the bedroom windows before sleep finally started to claim them. Even then, Harvey still couldn't bring himself to close his eyes, mesmerised by the woman wrapped in his arms, fiery red strands splayed across his shoulder, feeling the soft rise of her chest with each breath. An illogical part of his mind worried that if he fell asleep, he would wake to find it had all been nothing but a dream. And so, he laid there, watching the he waves of sleep slowly wash across her face, soaking in her pure beauty. When he was certain he had felt her body sink into sleep, he lightly pressed a kiss to her forehead and finally let free the words he had kept tucked under his heart for over a decade.

"I love you Donna"

He knew he needed to tell her those words when she was conscious, had every intention of doing so. This was just a trial run, a chance to see how it felt to actually say those words to another person, an opportunity to let any residual fear and panic fade away so that when he did tell her those words she would read nothing but truth on his face.

He waited for it, the panic of making such a confession, even with the recipient sleeping peacefully, but all he felt was a warmth flood his veins and a brightness fill his heart. A feeling of being exactly where he was supposed to be. His body felt feather light at the release of those words and with that he was no longer able to fight the hands of sleep pulling at him. And just as his eyes drifted shut, he heard her voice whisper into the darkness.

"I love you, too."


End file.
